The Tetris Diet: A Square Meal

It’s grey, it’s January – you’ve made it through the Most Depressing Day of the Year only to be smacked in the face with a Tuesday that’s only saving grace is that it’s 24 hours closer to the weekend. A weekend where you can’t afford to do anything, only wallow in your own self-pity, which you'll still be charged for. Sigh. And if you’re not reaching for your crack pipe, chances are you’re binge-eating crushingly cheap MSG-laced fatty snacks fashioned from the gristle and fluff swept off an abattoir floor. Stop moping, blubby – it’s time to starve yourself. But which is the right fad diet for you?

Fuck Atkins, the 2009 eating disorder of choice is The Tetris Diet. And it works like this:

Imagine your stomach is like a 8bit monochrome grid (or think of it in a 16-colour palette if you want to be fancy). Food falls through your faceflap and collects at the bottom. This means if you eat food that slots together, you can cram more in – get it in a row and it cancels itself out, meaning more food can be shoved in through your head hatch.



So here’s the basics to get your head round:
- Stick to cubed or square food. Biscuits are a good staple.
- If you really must eat fruit, cut it into the right shape or try special groomed square Japanese delicacies. Fit in as many square meals as you can.
- After eating, jiggle your body to get food to fall into the appropriate slot.
- Listen to tinny Russian music while digesting.
- Long foods are at a premium – get them in the right slot and you can cancel out four whole rows of food.

It’s that easy, fatso. Don't just stand there inertly, flab rippling in the airflow - stuff some more crap into your mouth, anything to stop your feeble twittering. Just make sure it’s square – got it? Sweet.